Say "Cheese", Groupon

You've all seen the "daily deal" sites that advertise consistently on your facebook pages or perhaps even flood your in boxes....you know the ones, LivingSocial, Whoot, Groupon, and the likes. Today I would like to step proudly onto my well-worn soap box and harp on the latest debacle to hit me square in the face, literally. It was brought upon me by none other than our friend Groupon. Oh, Groupon...why do you hate me so? Why do you offer products that you couldn't have possibly tried yourself, or if you have you are an evil masochist, sent to make ill-gotten gains off our pain and discomfort. Let's travel back to my date of purchase, a brisk day in February. I scanned my email, skipping over the usual spam, taking care not to miss a personal note from a friend or teacher. There,  in my Groupon for the day, was an offer for a tooth whitening LED kit, guaranteed to lend a noticeable difference to your grill within a few treatments. Not one to jump on the gimmick bandwagon so freely, I googled the product and came up with mixed reviews, all referring to the effectiveness of the said product. As I blissfully pondered the image of my teeth, dazzling white, as I stood in a field of flowers with the sun shining down on my head and my sundress blowing in the warm breeze, I went to the Groupon site and placed my order. For only $28 I could buy the system, normally $159. Done. Skip two weeks ahead and there was the package, in all its glory, brought to me by our local mail carrier. I opened it upon receipt and then set it aside. Stewart( my dear hubby) came in and viewed it with hesitant skepticism, attempting to read the lengthy instructions to me as my eyes glazed over and my mind traveled to other lands. (I am NOT an auditory learner....how I made it through college lectures is beyond me. I do have many a notebook that contain a semblance of note taking only to end in a sentence that runs off the page with a pencil mark resembling a flat line, denoting where I fell asleep and my hand ran off the page.) Alas, I digress.....anyhoo, I did hear the part being read that said I would have to lay off of dark beverages (aka coffee) while using this product, and with my addiction to morning caffeine still going strong, I was less than eager to start immediately. The next week, one cool evening, with the kiddies nestled into their beds and a warm fire going downstairs, I retrieved the kit. Stewart and I were settling in to watch some sitcoms and I thought I would try out the kit while vegging on the couch. I gingerly placed the trays into my lap and filled them with a small amount of the whitening gel, administered from a pre-filled syringe. The directions said to only use a small amount, as too much could get on the gums and cause irritation. The kit also came with desensitizing gel to be applied after, for those patrons with sensitive teeth. I placed the trays into my mouth and tried to turn on the LED light, at which point I noticed a fair amount of drooling going on in my mouth. I dropped the batteries and as I went to pick them up, a warm sensation started in my mouth and quickly upped the drool factor, to the point of running out of my mouth and down my arm. I flung the LED and batteries towards Stewart, suddenly in a state of urgent panic. With all the drooling and heat in my mouth, surely I needed that light to be in there, working its magic. I am sure I looked oh-so-attractive to my sweet husband of 8 years as I salivated, eyes watering, grasping for a tissue and frantically waving my arms for him to fix the light. He stopped and looked at me, and then went back to the light, probably out of fear. At this point the burning went to full on searing, and I ran to the bathroom, no longer able to produce enough friction in my mouth to keep the trays in due to Niagara Falls spewing forth from my salivary glands. I spit them out, along with the continuing drool and looked at my now WHITE gum line! This stuff had chemically burned the area above my front teeth. HOLY COW!!! The humanity! I grabbed a baby washcloth and applied cold water to the area, and went to show Stewart, who sometimes accuses me of being overly dramatic (me...what?!). After a sympathetic glance from my honey, I spent the rest of the evening holding the washcloth against my gum line, vowing revenge on the makers of the tooth whitening miracle. For now, I guess I will stick to whitening toothpaste or the like, and my future with Groupon may be limited to a smirk revealing a set of teeth in a lovely shade of ecru instead of crisp white:)